-Guess how fast we're going now. -I don't care, I'm having a baby!.
Hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?
Reese, you just passed the hospital!
-The baby's coming, he's coming now! -All right, all right, hold on.
-Okay, but I think he might be stuck. -Grab onto something. Ready?
One, two, three!
It's a baby boy.
I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here...
...to talk to y'all about my day-to-day.
And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell...
...what it's like to manage a Waffle House.
Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them.
And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.
Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.
Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?
No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years.
But my mama say he's out racing cars...
...and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.
Okay, kids, that's enough. We're gonna move on to Brennan.
Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.
Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.
--his job is like as a prison guard.
Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby.
I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.
-Dad! -Hey there, boy!
Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?
-Ten years. -Ten years?
Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.
Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.
It's all right, I'm a volunteer fireman.
Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver...
...and an amateur tattoo artist.
And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver...
...is you don't listen to losers...
-...Iike your know-it-all teacher here. -Okay, I think that's enough.
Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong...
...because it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid.
Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about.
You people are in the wrong on this one!
So in the wrong!
This is egregious, do you hear me? Egregious!
We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!
Dad!
Don't listen to these people, Ricky. You're a winner.
You got the gift. Always remember, if you ain't first, you're last.
If you ain't first, you're last.
-See you when you're grown up. -Dad! Come back, Dad!
It's a hot one here in Talladega...
...and this crowd of over 180,000 is enjoying one heck of a day.
Yo, Terry. Terry, we got the caution. Bring it in for a pit. Let's work on it.
All right, fellas, let's go.
Looking good. Yes, come on.
Keep it up, baby.
-All right, way to go. -Go, way to go.
Nice jack work, Ricky.
Hey, Shake and Bake, Cal.
-Shake and Bake! -Terry, it's all on you, bro. You go.
Go, baby, go. Wait, what are you doing?
-I gotta take a piss. -Go, go, go!
It doesn't matter, Lucius. We're in last place. Relax.
Jeez, I gotta go take a whiz. Get off my ass.
You see, this is what I'm talking about.
That's why this group right here is the laughingstock of NASCAR.
Face it, we suck.
It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on:
One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends.
Glenn, shut up.
I see Terry. He's having a chicken sandwich.
Hey, fellas! These are really good. You should try one.
That place actually makes a nice sauce.
Let me eat this, then I gotta make a phone call...
-...then I'm coming back, all right? -This is the bottom line.
If we don't get that car back on the track...
...our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken.
Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast? Anybody?
I wanna go fast.
Hey, get him a suit. Hurry up, make it snappy. Let's go.
-Hustle up, hustle up. -Hey, man!
Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?
-Yeah! -Who's retarded now?
-Yeah. -Hey, what are you doing after this?
-After the race? -Yeah.
I don't know, but it feels like we're wasting a lot of time.
No, I know, I know. I'm just excited, man!
-Yeah, I know. Yeah. -Hey! I love you!
-What? -Nothing.
Shake and Bake! Get some!
You're my best friend! You're my best friend!
-Okay, then! -I'm in there with you!
-I gotta get going! -Go, go!
-Yeah! -That's Ricky, baby!
That's my boy, Ricky!
Hey, Ricky, just remember one thing:
If you wreck that car, that's 200 grand out of your pocket...
...so let's take it nice and slow, okay?
With all due respect, Lucius, I'm gonna do some driving.
Excuse me, coming through.
Apparently, we've got a situation for the Laughing Clown, number 26 car.
Terry Cheveaux is refusing to drive. One of his crew members...
...has taken the wheel.
Hey, just wanted to share a little piece of personal information with you.
I got a chubby right now...
...because this is one of the most awesome experiences of my life...
...because I'm getting to drive a racecar!
I can't believe it! Oh, my God!
Wow, that was cool.
Come on, come on.
The big story from Talladega:
Little-known jack-man Ricky Bobby places third in the Dennit machine.
Ricky, first of all, where did you learn to drive like that?
In a car. Car handle really good. Yeah.
Can you speak up, Ricky?
A car. It handled real good.
So, what do you think, Mr. Dennit? He sure can drive.
He's got guts. Dennit Racing needs a racer like him.
Come on, Dad. He's just a stupid cowboy.
Look how bad he is in that interview.
Junior, driving has got nothing to do with interviews.
I just wish to hell you had a little more stupid cowboy in you.
I felt like I was on a spaceship and....
I'm not sure what to do with my hands.
Be good to hold them down by your side.
We're really happy with what was going on.
And at the end of the day, you know, you gotta be happy.
-What did you say his name was again? -His name is Ricky. Ricky Bobby.
Ricky Bobby? He's got two first names.
Whatever his name is, let's get him over here.
Everything ended up fine.
Yeah, okay, everything was fine. Thanks, thanks. Great job in the car.
Ricky Bobby, a force to be reckoned with, possibly...
...in the near future.
Ricky Bobby with yet another impressive win.
He is dominating NASCAR.
First or last, baby, you know it!
I've never seen a driver who wants to win more than this guy.
I could get used to this winning thing!
Dennit Racing lncorporated has decided to field an additional car.
And, at the urging of Ricky Bobby...
...who's been like a son to me, only better...
...I'm naming Cal Naughton Jr. as the driver.
All right.
-Cal Naughton. -Hey...
...we just want to say to all you other drivers out there...
...if you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race...
...it's not your tailpipe, it's a little bit...
...of shake....
And then bake.
Shake and Bake!
-That's our nickname. -Get used to hearing it.
And Ricky Bobby wins...
...with Cal Naughton Jr. finishing second.
-Yeah! -Hey, man!
-Shake.... -And bake!
Hey, driver! Drive these.
Please be 1 8.
You want to make this out to Charlotte?
Hey, excuse me, Ricky.
-Hey, Dale. -Hey, can I get your autograph?
-Sure. Who do I make this out to? -It's for me. I think you're awesome.
-Don't tell the other drivers. -I'm not gonna tell anyone.
I'll see you out there.
Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby.
You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead.
-That's right, Powerade's number one. -Not just for hydration, for vitamin.
No, it's me, it's me, Susan, your assistant.
Gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode.
I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't have been standing.
I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner...
...and what better gift to give a loved one...
...than the Jackhawk 9000?
Available at Wal-Mart.
When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff...
...you should have the right tools too. So that's why you should use...
...Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR.
I'm Ricky Bobby.
If you don't chew Big Red, then f*** you.
Prune candy.
-You happy? -I'm very happy.
-Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. -And I'm Cal Naughton Jr.
Urging you never to travel to Tijuana.
Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!
Okay, I'm starting to get sick.
Dick Berggren in Las Vegas, Victory Lane, for Fox Television.
Ricky Bobby, today's big winner. Heck of a win for you today...
...but it seems as if you either win or crash the car trying to win.
Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is, plain and simple.
I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
And nobody can hang with my stuff.
You know, I'm just a big, hairy, American winning machine.
If you ain't first, you're last. You know what I'm talking about?
That phrase is trademarked...
...not to be used without permission of Ricky Bobby lnc.
Supper's ready! Come on, y'all! I've been slaving over this for hours!
Dear Lord baby Jesus...
...or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus...
...we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC...
...and the always delicious Taco Bell.
I just want to take time to say thank you for my family...
...my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons...
...Walker and Texas Ranger...
...or T.R., as we call him...
...and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carley...
...who is a stone-cold fox.
Who if you were to rate her ass on 1 00, it would easily be a 94.
Also wanna thank you for my best friend, Cal Naughton Jr...
...who's got my back no matter what.
Shake and Bake.
Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip.
We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers...
...to heal him and his horrible leg.
And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it.
Dear tiny infant Jesus, we--
Hey, you know, sweetie...
...Jesus did grow up.
You don't always have to call him "baby."
It's odd and off-putting to pray to a baby.
Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace.
When you say grace, say it to grownup Jesus, teenage Jesus...
...bearded Jesus, whoever you want.
You know what I want?
I want you to do this grace good, so that God will let us win tomorrow.
Dear tiny Jesus...
...in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists...
-...pawing at the air.... -He was a man. He had a beard.
Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me?
I win the races and I get the money.
Ricky, finish the damn grace.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt...
...because it says, like, "l wanna be formal...
-Right. -...but I'm here to party too."
Because I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.
I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai.
I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings.
And singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd...
...with, like, a angel band.
And I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk.
Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?
-Yes, ma'am. -Okay.
Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus...
...don't even know a word yet...
...just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent...
...we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 million dollars--
Love that money!
--that I have accrued over this past season.
Also, due to a binding endorsement contract...
...that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace...
...I just wanna say that Powerade is delicious...
...and it cools you off on a hot summer day.
And we look forward to Powerade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.
Thank you for all your power and your grace, dear baby God. Amen.
-Amen. -Amen.
Let's dig in!
That was a hell of a grace, man. You nailed that like a split hog!
I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good.
Dad, you made that grace your bitch.
Hey, boys, I wanna see some napkins in the lap.
Boys, how was school today?
I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.
Sounds like a good day. Texas Ranger, how about you?
Well, the teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina.
I said, "Washington, D.C."
-Bingo. -Nice.
She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt."
She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants.
And I never did change my pee pants all day.
I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants.
I wet my bed until I was 1 9. There's no shame in that.
I get emotional because you guys are working so hard.
I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me...
...precocious and full of wonderment.
Tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed.
-These two are two in a million. -I am.
Just like Carley's tatas.
You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee.
Thank you, Cal.
That's real sweet of you, Cal.
That's real nice. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said.
-Well, I mean it. -Stop, you're gonna make me cry.
It comes from my heart, that's why.
I can't hold my tongue.
These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong.
They are terrible boys.
Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head.
-Yeah! -Yeah. Turn up the heat.
Go on and get some, boys.
I'm 1 0 years old, but I'll beat your ass.
Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey.
Like a spider monkey! Go on.
Chip, you brought this on.
The greatest generation, my ass.
Tom Brokaw is a punk.
What is wrong with you?
Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew.
I love that.
You gonna let your sons talk to their grandfather like that? I'm their elder.
I sure as hell am, Chip. I love the way they're talking to you.
They're winners. Winners get to do what they want.
Hell, you're just a bag of bones.
Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter.
That's it. That is it!
We wanted us some wussies...
...we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?
I work too hard for your bull, Chip.
Come here. You make me hot. Come here.
Everyone just keep eating.
-It's on. -Come here. Come here.
All right.
I'll hold your hair.
-Hey, Stephen. -Hey, Ricky.
Got those two tickets for my special friend?
Yeah, sure do. You know I do, Ricky. Got them right here, buddy.
Great. Hey, how's your mama's hip?
She's gonna be all right, thank you for asking.
-Appreciate it. Hey, good luck today. -Thanks.
That's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.
That boy leaves two tickets for his daddy at every race...
...and he never shows up.
That's a shame.
The human heart is such a mystery.
-Let's sell these bitches, huh? -Hell, yeah.
-Beer money, huh? -There you go. Yes.
As the laps wind down, Jamie McMurray is the leader.
Cal Naughton in second. Ricky Bobby in third.
What's up, Cal? You ready for a little Shake-and-Bake-age?
-Hey, buddy. -Naughton Jr. is letting Ricky Bobby...
...draft up to him to make that slingshot move past McMurray.
Can you believe that he would do that for his teammate?
Set him up that way?
Slingshot, engage.
And there goes Ricky Bobby on the outside!
That's how we do it.
Makes his move. Naughton's giving him plenty of room.
What in the hell is he doing, guys? Get him off of me.
They touch! They spin!
Snap!
Come on, man!
See you, wouldn't wanna be you.
Look at that! Ricky Bobby's gonna try to win the race in reverse.
Man, he wants this win bad!
Ricky Bobby wins it in reverse!
Unbelievable! I love that! That is cool!
Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's something to pick your spirits up.
It's real nice. I got it at Target. It's on sale.
Yeah!
-That's it. Another one. Another one. -All right, man. We did it!
I don't wanna be raining on your parade, but I gotta tell you...
...that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.
-Thank you. -And I know you won the race...
...but you're not gonna live forever.
I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one.
But with advances in modern science and my high level of income...
...I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300.
I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some Russian guy.
Know what--? I mean, do you know what that means?
No, I don't know what that means. I guess, longer life.
-Well, no, he didn't live. -He didn't live?
No. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.
-Ricky? -Hey, Mr. Dennit.
-Cheers. -Yeah.
-She already wasted? -Celebrating.
She's celebrating. You feel pretty good today, huh?
Look, Ricky, early word out of NASCAR...
...is your little obscene gesture's gonna cost you 1 00 points.
You know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?
With all due respect, Mr. Dennit...
...I had no idea you had experimental surgery to have your balls removed.
What did you say? What was that?
Well, what? I said, "With all due respect."
That doesn't mean you get to say whatever you wanna say to me.
-lt sure as heck does. -No, it doesn't.
It's in the Geneva Convention. Look it up.
I remember your daddy used to love it.
-This is not my dad-- This is my team-- -Used to love it when I used to win.
Now, I suggest you and your wife, Mrs. Jim Beam...
...you guys go take a chill pill. Enjoy the win!
-Come on, man! -Yeah, Ricky. Okay.
Baby, photo op, photo op. Come on.
Come on, number one.
Hold my hand, baby.
I'll tell you what, though, guys, that was a hell of a race today.
-Shake and Bake in full effect. -It's always been like that.
Me and Ricky, since we were little kids, man.
We go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding. Let's face it.
Yeah, but those are two things that don't really go together.
We go together like cocaine and waffles.
No, like, for instance, if I say peanut butter and....
-Ladies, right? -Yep.
-No, jelly. -Am I right?
-Jelly? -You like to put jelly on a lady?
I'm gonna settle this thing. Let's just get ourselves...
...a whole mess of cocktails, get drunk and work this thing out.
-Work this thing out. -That's right.
So I was talking to Nana on Saturday, and her birthday's coming up...
...but I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88.
Get her a coffin.
Hey, Cal, I'm sorry about wrecking you today.
-I mean, but that was for the team. -No, that's cool. That's cool, I know.
I was thinking, though, one time...
...it would be really awesome if, like, you could slingshot me in for a win.
Yeah, but-- Okay, but if you won...
-...how am I gonna win? -Yeah.
-Think about it. -No, I was thinking about it.
I mean, it's not like you're finishing 1 8th.
-There's nothing wrong with silver. -Nothing wrong with silver at all.
I'm just kidding you, man. I don't wanna win.
I'll just bury it down inside.
Bury it deep down in there, and never bring it up again.
It's painful, and I love you!
Get her a gigolo.
-What? -A guy to have sex with her.
No, she's gonna be 88 and....
You don't stop liking sex when you're old.
Well, I was thinking more along the line of....
-Like, she likes afghans and quilts. -She's probably got a million of those.
How many dudes does she have coming over to have sex with her?
-None. -Exactly.
Be thoughtful, Glenn.
Don't stop.
What is that?
Someone made a tape of something dying or something.
Hey, turn that crap off. What's going on?
I want this music out of my head.
Hey, turn that off!
Turn that off right now!
Why did you stop the jazz music?
Was it not pleasant for you?
No one plays jazz here at The Pit Stop, okay?
So why is the song on the jukebox?
We keep it on there for profiling purposes.
We also got the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
My name is Jean Girard...
...and I am a racing-car driver just like you...
...except I am from Formula Un.
I am the greatest one in the whole world.
I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
Did you eat peanut butter or something?
You sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.
I think what you are hearing is my accent.
I am French.
You say you're French?
We? No, we are not French.
We're American, because you're in America, okay?
Greatest country on the planet.
Well, what have you given the world...
...apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
-Chinese food? -Chinese food.
That's from China.
-Pizza. -ltaly.
-Chimichanga. -Mexican.
Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
We invented democracy, existentialism...
...and the blowjob.
-Those are three pretty good things. -Hey.
Well, that last one's pretty cool.
You know, the 69 with the head near the-- That bit.
We came up with it.
We created the missionary position.
-You're welcome. -Ricky Bobby...
...I have come here to defeat you.
Oh, well, there's strikes two and three right there.
Did you hear what he just said?
Well, welcome to America, amigo.
You are fast, Ricky Bobby...
...but I am faster.
All right, you let go of me, you Formula One jazz nutjob!
Like the frightened baby chipmunk...
...you are scared by anything that is different.
I will let you go, Ricky...
...but first I want you to say:
"l love crepes."
Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.
-I'm not gonna say it. -Good.
Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it.
So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?
I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby...
...but I am a man of my word.
Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it...
...because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini.
Get down, you little pancake.
Someone get me a beer while I'm here.
But you have forced me to do this.
You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous.
Just say, "l love crepes."
You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning.
They're like pancakes, maybe even better.
-Are they the really thin pancakes? -Yeah.
They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.
-My God, I love those. -Put any syrups you want on them.
-I'm saying, think about it. -They come with cheese sometimes?
Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.
Well, why didn't someone yell that right away?
You know what's in the crepe suzette?
-Oh, I love the crepe suzette. -With the sugar...
-...and lemon juice, Grand Marnier. -Sugar and lemon juice.
I wish I could crawl into one of those right now.
-I'd eat my way out from the inside. -They are tasty.
Either way this goes, could we get some after we're done?
-Absolutely. We're gonna do that. -So, what if you just said:
"l love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
-That is a fair compromise. -Very fair, actually.
No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crepes.
That's a pretty good compromise.
Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
You don't understand because you don't understand liberty.
You don't understand freedom.
So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell.
Hey. This is just between you and me, okay?
I mean, forget all these other guys.
But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
What do you think?
-Don't say it. -Yeah. I'm not gonna say it.
Break it, Pepe Le Pew.
As you wish.
-He actually did it! -All right. You did it. Back off.
-I didn't say it! -No, you did not.
Your injury is one of ignorance and pride.
Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner.
You just broke my bro's arm.
Now you're about to get Tasered.
-Say hello to Dr. Watts. -Get him, Cal.
I need you all to step away...
...from my driver.
The hell you talking about, "my driver"? What are you doing with a gun?
Don't you worry about my gun, Ricky.
Jean Girard is my new boy at Dennit Racing. He's here to win us...
...an overall-points championship, something you apparently...
...have no interest in. He's gonna usher in a new era.
Mr. Dennit, with all due respect--
And remember, I'm saying, "with all due respect."
--that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.
That's good. That's good fun. That's good fun, Ricky...
...but that doesn't bother me anymore because Jean is the future...
...Ricky, the past.
So, Jean, introduce me to your new teammates.
Everybody, this is my husband, Gregory.
What?
See you at the track.
Did he just say "husband"?
Sweet Lord. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate.
The room's starting to spin real fast.
Because of gayness.
-Cal, I love you. -Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!
Fans and NASCAR, everyone is talking about this new driver, Jean Girard.
Let's find out a little bit more about him from our reporter, Davey Wesling.
Talented. Eccentric. Dominating.
These are the words that define Jean Girard.
Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses...
... who are also gay.
Jean's days are filled with sun-drenched walks...
... with his beloved husband, Gregory.
Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse.
He's a world-class trainer of German shepherds.
Rolfe, the Nazi boyfriend. Up on top!
Very nice. Very nice.
Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NASCAR...
...will end up in Victory Lane.
Well, kiss my ass on Sunday.
-Lucius, what the hell is going on? -The man can drive.
And check out his crew chief over there.
Won the Nobel Prize for physics back in '93.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record.
As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course...
...a statement of fact and in no way a comment...
...on the driver's sexual orientation.
Put a smile on your face? That's the future of Dennit Racing.
-That make you happy? -I'm just thrilled, Mr. Dennit.
I love seeing some French guy break my record...
...while I got my arm wrapped up like a fricking gordita.
Hello, Ricky Bobby.
What happened last week was very regrettable and unfortunate...
...and, as a gesture, I would like to...
...sign your cast, please.
Hell, you know what, get my car off the trailer, guys.
Baby! That's my baby!
Hold on, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky, Rick. What are you talking about?
Look. I wanna drive. My arm's fine. So let's get the car off the trailer.
Don't look at me. Get it off the trailer!
Even with a healthy arm, you don't have a chance against Jean Girard.
All right, fellas. You heard the man. Get the car off. Let's go.
You guys heard it.
-What's going on? -Soon you will know what it is like...
...to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you.
As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."
Well, let me just quote the late, great Colonel Sanders...
...who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
What's that got to do with this?
I got a message for all of them. Ready? Shake and Bake!
What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
What is that, a catch phrase or is that epilepsy?
-Shake and Bake. Shake and Bake. -What?
Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten.
Beaten real bad, cowboy.
-Really? -Yes!
-I don't want to know. -That's news to me.
-Tomorrow you'll be in trouble. -I'll rip you a new one.
There's going to be a croissant I'm going to take away.
I play for keeps!
I give you one option, Monsieur Bobby.
As a sign of humility, if you kiss me on the lips now...
...I will return to Paris and you will never see me again in NASCAR.
The answer is never!
-I close my-- -Do you hear me? Never ever!
-Well, yes or no? -That's sick.
Let me tell you, hold on. Shake and Bake.
Yeah!
What does that mean? It makes no sense!
This "Shake and Bake," it's nonsense.
-Hey, baby. You guys are so smooth. -Thanks, darling.
Cal, you could say that 1 0,000 times and it still wouldn't be enough.
-lt fires me up. -I love it. Say it one more time.
-Shake and Bake! -Doesn't that feel good?
Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs. It's awesome.
NASCAR on Fox welcomes you to Lowe's Motor Speedway...
...where tonight we'll go 500 miles.
The big stories tonight are at both ends of the grid.
Up front, Larry, the surprising French Formula One driver, Jean Girard.
And at the opposite end of the grid, Darrell, Ricky Bobby.
I saw Ricky Bobby last night walking around with a cast on his arm.
Now, I don't know who he conned into letting him start this race.
Just keep a camera on him all night long.
I am so excited.
This is a new era for Dennit Racing, huh?
So serious all the time about your big race team.
-Who cares? -But this is my life. This is my life.
You know what? There's only one good thing about coming to the races...
...and that is the vibrations from the cars.
Oh, I love when them cars whiz by.
Can feel the motor...
...running up my legs.
Ricky Bobby, who never met a sponsor he wouldn't push...
...has a Fig Newton sticker on his windshield.
Think NASCAR will black-flag him for that.
He sold the windshield!
This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I love Fig Newtons.
Ricky Bobby started this race in the back...
...but he's making no friends on the way to the front.
I'm all about getting to the front tonight, Lucius. Let's go! Let's move it!
Well, he's driving like a man possessed.
I'm not even sure he realizes how much damage he's doing to his car.
Hey, Ricky. You know you're driving like a pissed-off teenager, okay?
Where is that Frenchy?
I got you, Pepe Le Bitch.
Oh, Ricky Bobby.
Hey, it's me, America.
Yeah, I'm here.
You have spilled my macchiato.
Look at Girard in the 55.
He's made that car three lanes wide, but he's still fast.
No, no, no, my friend. This way also closed. Not this way.
Lucius, what's he doing? He's everywhere at once.
Guy's dangerous, Ricky. He's like a cobra. Back off!
Where's Cal? I need a little support here!
Tell Ricky I'm on my way.
Damn it!
Hey, Ricky, listen.
Cal blew out his engine. You have no backup. Back off!
I ain't backing off. I'm Ricky Bobby, I'm the best there is.
He's too good, Ricky. Lay off!
Bobby's boxed in. There's nowhere to go there.
He's gonna try the outside move again. I don't know if it's gonna work.
Come on, Daddy!
Come on, Daddy! Whoop his butt!
Send that weird man back to lndonesia.
-Come on! -Bobby moves to the outside.
Not a lot of room. He's in the wall!
Bobby is sliding, slamming into the wall.
He's airborne!
Yep. I'm flying through the air. This is not good.
-Ricky! -Cool!
Ricky!
Peaches and cream!
The car comes to rest in a big cloud of smoke.
Ricky Bobby appears to be okay...
...but that Wonder Bread car is toast.
Fantastic.
Oh, my God! Ricky!
Hakuna matata, bitches.
It's okay, guys, it's just a wreck. Ricky can handle it.
Now, that's one of the nastiest wrecks you'll ever see.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's all right. You're safe.
-You're safe. -We got you. We're here.
I'm on fire.
It's all right. It's all right, you're not on fire!
-You're lying! I'm on fire! -There is no fire.
-I'm on fire. I don't wanna die. -Come back here.
But something looks wrong. I mean, he's running around like he's on fire.
Oh, my God! Help me! I don't wanna die! Stop, drop, and roll!
-You're not on fire, Ricky Bobby! -I'm on fire!
You're not on fire.
But I'm not even sure he even knows where he's at right now.
This makes us all realize the kind of pressure these drivers are under.
Mr. Bobby, come on down here.
Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God!
Help me, Allah!
Help me, Tom Cruise!
But how did he get down to his underwear that fast?
Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
Look. Here, help's coming.
-Wait a minute! -It's Cal Naughton.
Oh, God! Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!
I got you! I got you, man! I'll help you!
He's jumping on Ricky, trying to put the nonexistent fire out.
Now, that's a teammate right there.
This is going downhill fast.
It would be a great time to go to commercial break.
Help me, Oprah Winfrey!
You know, Larry, there's good days in racing, and there's bad days.
Ricky Bobby just had himself a bad day.
He's suffering from catatonic shock.
His injuries are minor, but right now he can't deal with the trauma of the wreck.
Golly, this is a hard decision.
But I have thought about it, and I want the plug pulled.
Yeah.
Ma'am, your husband's not dying.
He's just taking a nap.
-Just look at him. -No, I'm not lying.
I've never seen him make that noise. Ever.
Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.
Oh, baby. Mama loves you so much.
Hey, Ricky. It's me, Cal.
Just want you to know, I got your back, bro. No matter what.
There's something I want to get off my chest...
...and it's about that summer when you went away to community college.
I got a offer to do Playgirl magazine...
...and I did it.
I did a full spread for Playgirl magazine.
I mean spread, man. I pulled my butt apart and stuff...
...and I was totally nude, and it was weird.
You probably didn't hear about it...
...because I went under the name of Mike Honcho.
But I just wanted you to know that.
If you could hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...
...that I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.
"Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.
Gretchen, my friend, got her period. I'm so jealous, God.
I hate myself for being so jealous, but I am.
I wish you'd help me just a little.
Nancy's sure she's going to get it soon too. And if I'm last...."
Hey, Ricky. Ricky!
Come on, man, wake up.
Are you faking it?
Are you faking it? Fake it!
I don't know how much longer I can take seeing you like this.
I am not gonna let you die here...
...Iike some kind of vegetable.
I'm gonna put an end to this right now.
Get all this crap off you.
You don't need any of this crap.
This is it. This is how it ends.
This is how Shake and Bake ends.
It's shadow time, buddy.
It's time to go home to Jesus.
Goodbye, buddy.
Oh, wow, you definitely--
You definitely still got some fight in you.
Okay, maybe we give this another day.
Middle. I'll go up to the middle. Let's play some defense!
I just wanna say thanks, doc, for taking care of our boy here.
-Oh, shit. -That's a foul! That's a foul!
Doc, give it to me straight.
Is he ever gonna be able to walk again?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought someone had told you. He's fine.
He found that wheelchair in the hallway.
His paralysis is entirely psychosomatic.
But we all need to go along with this, because he's in a delicate state.
So when you say psychosomatic, you mean, like...
...he could start a fire with his thoughts?
No, not at all. It means it's all in his mind.
I'm saying, sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers.
It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?
Everyone's real friendly.
It doesn't hurt being Ricky Bobby. I'm not gonna lie to you.
So how's the physical therapy going?
Oh, I gave that up. Yeah, I gave that up...
...after maybe the first day. Within the first hour, I gave that up.
I'm through lying to myself, you know?
It's time to be mature about this and just face facts.
I bought myself a hundred-thousand-dollar...
...handicap-accessible van...
...with the captain's chairs and the DVD plasma screens in the back for the kids.
-You all paid up on that? -Yeah. That's all paid in full.
It's parked out there. And then the next thing I gotta do...
...is I just gotta have a sit-down with Carley and just let her know...
...that it's okay for her to seek the comfort of other men.
Because she's gotta run wild. You can't keep something like that back.
Hold on, man. Hold....
-We gotta tell him. -Now?
No, I don't care what the doctor said, we gotta tell him now.
Ricky, the doctor told us...
...that we should let you work it out in your own sweet time...
...but, Ricky, you can walk.
What did you just say?
He's telling you the truth, man. It's all in your head.
You sick sons of bitches!
I mean, you walk in that door...
...on your two legs, all fat and cocky...
...and looking at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head?
I hope that both of you have sons.
Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons who are talented and star athletes...
...and they have their legs taken away!
I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!
Don't you put that on us! You are not paralyzed!
I am so paralyzed!
-No, no, no! No, he needs to know! -Getting a little rough on him.
-He's always crying! -Tough love, it is. Tough love.
- Wake up, idiot! -You wanna know what I am?!
You wanna see what my life is?!
Don't do it.
-You wanna see what's going on here? -Don't you stick that knife in your leg.
-Man! -Hold on, hold on.
-Hold on, now. Walk it off. -Oh, that hurts.
-Oh, my--! -Walk it off.
Stretch, stretch. Stretch it out.
Hey, man. You can walk! You can walk!
I can walk!
-I think I touched a nerve. -Right there.
All right, we got it, we got it. Hold it right there.
Maybe don't touch it.
-Can you feel it? -I can!
We'll use this knife to pry it out. We'll pull it out.
-Now we got two in there. -Just don't think about it.
-We're going down a bad path. -Cut around the meat.
I'll cut right here. Stretch it out.
Just take out a plug of meat. Just like a deer.
We gotta wiggle it a little bit. That's it. Can you feel that?
-Yeah, I feel that. -You are back!
I love you guys!
Hey, I'm sorry, guys. I mean, I hope your boys don't lose their legs.
-Thanks, buddy. -So when do I get to drive again?
Well, that's the thing. The doctor said you suffered major trauma...
...and he thinks you should take it slow for a while.
Yeah, so, I was thinking, like, while you're resting up and stuff...
-...maybe you could let me win a few. -Well, there you go.
Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.
Yeah. I'm Ricky Bobby. I mean, you know how I play it.
-Yeah. -First or last, right, baby?
-Don't know what I was thinking. -Besides...
...Dennit Jr. must be freaking out. All the money he's losing?
Without me on the track?
I mean, I just laugh...
...thinking about him whining all the time, bitching and moaning:
"Damn, I wish Ricky was here."
You know what I mean?
What?
Frenchy can drive.
Oh, no.
Very good.
C'est la vie and que sera, sera.
It looks like the NASCAR has gone French.
Well, in other news, Ricky Bobby...
...is going to be running some test laps this weekend at Rockingham...
...in an attempt to come back from his grisly crash.
It's one of the hardest things to do in racing.
To try to bounce back after a devastating, violent wreck.
Ricky Bobby was traumatized during the incident.
All right, baby. Come on, now.
But today he gets to strap back into a racecar for the first time since...
... to try to show he can still get the job done.
-He's gonna be great. Yep. -He's gonna be great, sure.
Would you stop staring at me like that, Susan? I swear...
...you are the weirdest little girl I've ever seen.
Okay, I'm really gonna open it up!
I missed you, Mama Speed. Ricky Bobby's back.
Wait, how fast is he going?
Twenty-six miles an hour.
What were those things? Were those the other cars?
Oh, God. So fast.
Go, baby! There you are.
Am I on fire? I'm on fire.
-No, no, you're not on fire. -Stretch it out.
-It's okay, baby. -Take it easy.
-Oh, God, I'm gonna get sick. -Oh, God.
-Oh, he's in his underwear again. -Ricky! Please put your clothes on.
He's in his underwear again. Go get him, fellas.
Oh, Lord.
You know who's gonna be number one at Dennit Racing?
-Not Ricky? -I'm gonna windmill you.
Mr. Cal Naughton Jr.
-Come back at him. It's the only way. -Who are you?
-Number one. -No.
-Oh, yes, ma'am. -Ricky! Come on, man!
It's embarrassing.
The ninjas are trying to get me. The ninjas are trying to get me.
-Oh, my God. -What happened?
What happened? He's done. He's done.
That's what's happened. It's over. He's finished.
What's gonna happen to me?
I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something.
Yeah, you were going fast.
-Look at that. -What are we gonna do?
This is ugly. This is bad for all of us. Look at that.
-I gotta go check on cuckoo bird. -No, cuckoo's okay.
Why don't you get over there and settle down Carley for me?
-Could you do that for me? -Yes, sir.
There you go.
What began as a day of hope and optimism...
...for Ricky Bobby and his race team has ended here in sad disappointment.
There we go, boy.
-I lost all muscle control. -Yeah, you did.
-He just lost his muscle control is all. -I lost my muscle control.
He's fine. He just can't control the muscles.
-Thanks for the lift, Hershell. -Yeah, no problem.
Jenga!
I love you, Cal.
-Good one, kiddo. -What the hell's going on?
Hey, Ricky, nice of you to stop by for a visit.
What do you mean, a visit? This is my house.
Baby...
...shoot. I'm so sorry.
I really-- I didn't want it to be this way.
Hey, what happened to the family portrait?
You just crudely pasted your face over mine.
We're getting married, Ricky.
And we're getting matching leprechaun tattoos.
Isn't that cute? With a little pot of gold.
Is this some kind of joke? You guys putting me on?
I was gone three hours. Dennit just fired me from the team.
Ricky, you and l...
...we both know that this marriage has been over for a long, long time.
No! I honestly did not know that!
Ricky, you can't race no more.
I'm not going back to being poor and dancing at the Wizard's Den.
You know, my old boyfriend Greg?
He still works there and he was crazy.
Baby, stop.
Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Just a second. Let me make sure I got this straight.
Are you asking me for a divorce?
-Yay! Two Christmases! -Yay! Two Christmases!
Cal?
How could you do this to me, man?
Ricky, your marriage was a hollow shell.
It was a cruel charade.
She just gave me the 41 1 on the whole deal.
And you know what else? You never let me win one time.
I thought we had a good thing going. Shake and Bake.
You're doing great. You just keep it up. Keep it up.
And Mr. Dennit told me that it's my time now.
-Oh, really? -That Shake and Bake is dead.
And we just came up with a new nickname.
-It's so good. It's so good. -I got a new nickname.
The Magic Man. Now you see me...
...now you don't.
That is the stupidest nickname I've ever heard.
Is it, Ricky?
Because I think you wish you thought of it.
All right. You got me. That's an awesome nickname.
I've always had a lot of great ideas.
I also think I might design a car that's in the shape of a rabbit.
It might poop out little real rabbits out the back that'll run around the track.
You have live rabbits being pooped out onto a track?
If I win, I might do a special thing with David Copperfield...
...where he hides in my car in the passenger seat...
...and he just flings magic stuff out the window.
Did you run any of this by NASCAR?
Watch the mail for that invitation to the wedding, because I want you there.
-What?! -I know it...
...that some bad stuff happened just now, but in time--
The wedding's not for a couple of weeks.
Why would I come to your guys' wedding?
--you're gonna get over it and be my best man.
I'm not gonna be your best man!
Baby, he's not gonna come to the wedding.
Cal, do you realize the implications of your actions right now?
What's "implication" mean?
We are no longer friends.
-Why? -What do you mean, "Why?"
You're wrecking my life!
You just lost your wife. You just lost your job.
Don't throw out your best friend because of your anger.
-That's absolutely ridiculous, man. -Ricky...
...remember, the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.
That's kind of creepy, ain't it?
-Hey, Ricky, I'll call you tomorrow. -Shut up.
-Bye, kids. I'll see you next weekend. -Bye.
Ricky! Boys! Is everything all right?
Mama, we got nowhere to go. Carley and Cal took everything.
Well, you're home now, and you got your mama.
Get in here, boys. Come on.
Come on. Get in this house.
Hey, Ricky. Are you on fire?
-Nice denim shorts, dude. -Hey, shut up, man.
Hump me!
Now, you watch yourself.
Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again.
Hey, sorry, man.
Hey.
I lost my license.
That's why I'm on the bus. I'm delivering pizzas.
Motherfucker, what makes you think I care?
Shut the fuck up!
I was just telling you that because--
Like I said, I lost my license. I've been having a lot of problems lately.
Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems.
Everybody got problems.
My mama got problems. She just lost her leg.
My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog threw up somebody's finger.
That's a problem.
I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.
-Sorry. Sorry. -Get out of the road!
Hey, come on, man. I'm on a bike. Relax.
-Hey, shut up! -ldiot!
It's open.
Hugalo's Pizza. We are pizza.
-You are pizza? -Yeah, we are pizza. I gotta say it.
Either close the door or come in. I got weed in here, cowboy.
You got three pizzas that haven't been eaten just sitting over there.
I know. I've been calling them all day trying to get you...
...but they keep sending me different delivery people.
Trying to get me? Why?
Because I'm your daddy, that's why.
-What did you just say? -I said, I'm your daddy.
I'm Reese Bobby.
Me and your mama did it in a Rustler Steak House bathroom when I was 1 7.
And then you showed up.
Hey, son.
-Son! Son, did this go good? -No!
-Seems to me like it went pretty good. -You're not my dad.
-lt got a little heated, but.... -Stop talking to me!
Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-looking bike, boy.
I can't believe it!
I mean, he's been blowing me off for 25 years...
...and now he wants to get to know me?
How the hell did he even find me?
I called him.
Are you kidding me? Mama, why did you go do that?
Son, you need help.
-I know he's a son of a bitch. -He's scary.
But you're a grown man. You're delivering pizzas on a bike.
How'd you even get hooked up with him in the first place?
You probably couldn't tell by looking at him now...
...but your daddy used to be a real charmer.
And that night in the ladies' room of the Rustler Steak House, he chose me.
-ln a ladies' room? -Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!
One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!
Hey, stop yelling at me, okay? I'm your dad. You're 7 years old.
Don't talk like that.
Hey. Hey there, Lucy.
How you doing?
Oh, hey there, Ricky. Look, son...
...I know you don't want me to be here...
...but I saw what happened to you on the television. You saw the fear.
-I can help you with that, son. -Really?
What do you care about me or us? You never even met your grandkids.
-What are you looking at, Popeye? -Shut up, you little pot-licker.
I'll put you in a microwave.
Now, you show me the DNA test...
...and then maybe I'll say hello to these swamp rats.
You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent trying to sleep.
You better shut up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent.
Yeah, shut up, Frank!
Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!
Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.
I know you, son. I know you well.
You're just like me. Talladega's coming up in a couple of weeks...
-...and I know you wanna win that thing. -No, I don't.
Listen, Ricky.
I'm 55 years old and all I got to my name is a car...
...and a duffle bag full of underwear, and sweet, stinky weed.
How much you selling that weed for, old man?
I know I screwed up raising you as a boy...
...but just let me help you as a man.
-Do it, Dad. Get your balls back. -Go fast again.
Fine. I'll do it.
-But I ain't calling you Daddy. -Well, what you gonna call me?
All right, Professor Dickweed. What's the plan?
Well, basically, what happened to you is that you saw the fear.
So before you can even think about any real driving...
...you gotta make friends with that fear. So get in the car.
What the hell?! There's a goddamn cougar in the car!
I know there's a cougar, I put it in there.
You gotta learn to drive with the fear.
Ain't nothing more damn frightening than driving with a cougar in the car.
-God, where'd you get that thing? -I trapped it.
Been keeping it in my bathroom at the motel, feeding it old pizza.
-Now get back in that car, you hear me? -No, I'm not getting in that car.
Hey, listen to me. If you're calm, that wondrous big cat will be calm too.
But if you're scared...
...that beautiful death machine will do what God made it to do...
...namely, eat you with a smile on its face.
God, he's just following me wherever I go.
Well, he's just looking at you.
You're saying if I just calm down, the cougar will be okay?
-You got it. -Damn it. Okay.
Come on, son. You can do it. Come on.
Oh, come on.
That's it.
-And no sudden moves. -Like, is this too fast? Oh, man. See?
-That's a little quick. -You see what he did?
You gotta be a little more deliberate in your movement.
I'm just gonna get in there. I'm just gonna grab the handle.
I'm gonna get in and drive that car. I'm gonna do it calm.
-Calm. Piece of cake. -I was just trying to stay calm.
-Oh, man! -Sometime today, son.
Okay, here we go. I'm getting in.
Oh, God, help me!
-Ricky! Control your heart rate. -Oh, my God!
Hey, Mama.
Well, hey there, Ricky. How'd it go?
Well, I was mauled by a cougar...
...Iearned nothing about driving, and my Crystal Gayle shirt was ruined.
But other than that, it went fine.
Where are the boys at?
I dropped them off at Sunday school at my church about 1 0 minutes ago.
Anarchy!
-Anarchy! Anarchy! -Anarchy!
-There they are. -What in tarnation?
-Anarchy! -I don't even know what that means...
...but I love it!
-What in the hell? -That is it!
That puts the lid right on the jar!
-Mama! Mama! -No, Ricky, no.
I will not have my grandbabies acting like shiftless, wild hobos.
All right, now, you boys listen up, and you listen good.
Now, I am declaring Granny Law.
And if you do not obey Granny Law...
...I will paint your back porch red.
Sorry, Granny, but you're shit out of luck.
We make the rules, not you.
Hey!
You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?
It's the beginning of a new age.
Hey, Derek, it's Ricky.
Just wondering if you can ditch school...
...and take over my shift at the pizza place...
...because I got strep throat.
And it's bad. I don't wanna give it to everyone else.
So call me back. You know the number.
Hello.
Hey, man. How's it going? You wanna come over and party?
Did you just say "party"?
You know what? No. Because I still hate you, okay?
-What are you so mad about? -What do you think I'm mad about?
Come on, man, that was last week.
What about the time you ran over my leg with a car?
-I let that go that day. -Yeah, I remember.
Wind is kicking up.
Are you in the hot tub?
Answer me this: When you're in spa mode...
...how come the water level drops in the spa?
Are you pressing the buttons in the back panel or in the kitchen?
-I just started pressing stuff. -Hey, don't press all those buttons.
I'm getting bored. You wanna come over and play G.I. Joes?
I would love to. No!
Come on. You know what? Screw you, man.
Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge.
Come back to the friendship shore.
-"Cross over the anger bridge"? -Yeah, that's where you're at.
You're stuck on an anger bridge.
Can you not see why I'm stuck on the anger bridge?
Look, I don't know why I'm talking to you, okay? What is it?
They got bottomless nachos at Bennigan's.